


lifeline

by levisaexual



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Established Relationship, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, How Do I Tag, Hurt Oikawa Tooru, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Major Character Injury, Non-Linear Narrative, Oikawa Tooru's Knee Injury, POV Iwaizumi Hajime, Pro Volleyball Player Oikawa Tooru, Protective Iwaizumi Hajime, Sad Iwaizumi Hajime, Sad Oikawa Tooru, Soft Iwaizumi Hajime
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:35:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28130265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/levisaexual/pseuds/levisaexual
Summary: The fall always happens fast, much faster than the rise anyway. Hajime knows that, has known for the longest time actually.So it’s no big surprise that he moves before anyone else does, faster than anyone else, as he feels his heart in his throat, and rushes at Oikawa’s side just a few seconds after his knee hits the gym floor.Or - Oikawa gets injured and can’t play volleyball anymore and Iwaizumi tries to help him find himself again
Relationships: Hanamaki Takahiro & Iwaizumi Hajime & Matsukawa Issei & Oikawa Tooru, Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 23
Kudos: 125





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve had this idea for the longest time and I’m really happy I finally wrote this - since iwaoi is basically my favorite ship ever and I never wrote about them. It took me longer than expected but it’s finally here.
> 
> A super mega thank you to my friend Maria who motivated me so much and for giving me feedbacks on the parts I send her, and also a big thank you to the other ppl in our groupchat who made me want to write a iwaoi fanfiction so bad.  
> (If you’re reading this I love you all!)
> 
> Enjoy :)

The fall always happens fast, much faster than the rise anyway. 

Hajime knows that, has known for the longest time actually. In fact, he first realized this one time when he was a kid playing with his dad at the beach. They’d spent the whole afternoon building a sand castle, working on the structure and those damn towers that took him so much patience and dedication, for it to crumble in a split second after a particularly strong blow of wind. He had been so sad that time - his father still teases him about it sometimes - and not because the castle was destroyed, but mostly because all the time and effort he’d spent on it ended up being wasted.

The same thing happened with the birthday cake he made (with the help of his mother of course, but Hajime was too proud to admit that) for Tooru’s eleventh birthday. He baked the base, prepared the topping and the coloured glazing and tried different flavours in order to find the best one for his best friend. And the boy in question had the audacity to finish the whole cake that took him an entire day to make in just ten minutes, leaving just a few slices behind for his family and Hajime. 

  
  


It is almost like a law of nature, a constant in everyone’s life, so natural that Hajime isn’t surprised anymore when it happens again during his last year of high school, during what ends up being the last volleyball match with the Seijoh team. Long months of hard work and intense training with his teammates mean nothing when Karasuno scores the last point, winning the match and securing their place in the final. 

And it’s frustrating to say at least, Hajime hates the idea of his efforts being in vain, but it’s nothing compared to the look on Oikawa’s face when he faces the team he couldn’t take to the nationals, with the expression of someone who thinks they’re not good enough. So, once it’s just the two of them in the locker room, he goes up to his best friend and hugs him, strong arms wrapped around his shoulders while the latter finally cries and lets all his frustration out, clinging to the back of Hajime's shirt like a lifeline. 

It’s almost painful, and Hajime wants to punch something, because it’s _so_ _unfair_ for someone as amazing as Oikawa to feel this way, to feel like they'll never be able to reach the top no matter what they do or how much they try. So, Hajime tries to comfort him the best way he can, he holds onto him until Oikawa is not crying anymore and keeps whispering words of reassurance to make sure Oikawa knows he is there for him, and will always be, no matter what.

Time goes by like this, the two of them caught in a trance of sweet words and muffled sobs, limbs entangled in a position that can’t be comfortable in the long run, but the presence of each other makes everything else fade out in the background and the two boys can only drown in the comfort and warmth the closeness provides.

Hajime doesn’t know who moves first - could be him, could be Tooru, could be both of them - but he finds himself pressed even more against the other boy’s body, his hands grasping his cheeks while Tooru’s find their place on his hips, and, before he can even start to process what’s going on, they are kissing. 

_Oh my god, they are kissing._

It’s clumsy at first and Hajime senses the other boy tensing up, probably waiting for a rejection. And Hajime can’t help but smile into the kiss, as he thinks how _stupid_ Oikawa must be for even thinking about him not returning his feelings, for thinking so little of himself that he’s afraid his own best friend (or partner, or boyfriend? they’ll have to discuss that later) wouldn’t love him just as much.

So he pours everything into the kiss: all the good times they’ve spent together, the happiness, the laughter, the smiles and looks they exchanged that finally make sense now, but also the frustration, the anger, the sadness and the regret they both feel at this moment. And he can feel Oikawa doing the same, as the initial surprise leaves its place to a way more pleasing feeling that warms up his face and body.

They part just for a second to catch their breaths and look at each other, and once they lock eyes, time seems to stop, they’re frozen in place, but all they can feel is warmth. A smile appears on Tooru’s face and Hajime thinks that if he could look at something for the rest of his life he wouldn’t mind it to be the expression Oikawa’s making now, cheeks slightly red and short breath.

“You’re the worst Iwa-chan! You can’t just do something like _that_ after everything that happened today.”

“What do you mean I can’t?”

“This is gonna be both the worst and best day of my life now! Do you know how confusing that is?”

“You really are a piece of shit Oikawa”

“Excuse me? You’re the one-“

Hajime doesn’t let him finish, he kisses him again, partly just to shut him up but mostly because he wants to feel his lips and his warm breath on his face again. It’s slower this time, less rushed and desperate, and ten thousand times better. They both savour the kiss and let their hands wander on each other’s body, fingers brushing soft hair and broad shoulders, tanned skin mixing with paler one, limbs moving in perfect coordination, like they've waited all their life for this exact moment. And Hajime finds himself thinking the fall can be better than the rise sometimes and that if he could live this moment forever he’d be happy for sure.

  
  
  


It happens again, again, again and again. 

  
  


They spend the entire weekend painting the walls of their apartment in Tokyo, careful not to make mistakes or ruin anything. The sun is setting when they finally finish, the last ray of natural light making the teal shades of the walls appear darker and warmer. 

“It came out really pretty. I’m glad we picked this colour.”

“You can thank me later Iwa-chan. If we’d stuck with your choice, our apartment would be that ugly shade of green.” Oikawa says from the sofa he is laying on, much to Hajime’s annoyance.

“Do you ever stop talking? I think we’re even after I painted most of these walls while you were sitting on the couch eating your milkbread and doing nothing.” 

“Can you really blame me Iwa-chan? I was really tired, plus you looked really hot while working shirtless. Admit you did it on purpose to distract me.”

“You’re unbelievable” Iwaizumi scoffs while approaching his boyfriend. “I don’t need to put up any type of show, not out of the bedroom at least” he added with a smirk.

“Shall we move this to the bedroom then?” Was Oikawa’s response as he got up and welcomed Iwaizumi in his arms.

They kiss. It is tender and slow and burning all at the same time, like the hundreds of kisses they've exchanged since they got together in their last year of high school. 

It had been a rollercoaster since then. First coming out to their friends and family - which went extremely smoothly, much to Oikawa and Iwaizumi surprise, as if they were all already expecting it - then the dating, finishing high school, their promise, going to different colleges, moving to different countries. Saying it had been easy would be a lie, it wasn’t most of the time. The distance had been a problem, especially for Oikawa considering how clingy he is, but they kept in touch as much as possible with calls, messages, video calls and sometimes even letters. 

And then, after five long years apart, they’re finally both back to Japan, Oikawa playing as a pro in the V league and Iwaizumi working as an athletic trainer for the national volleyball team. It seems surreal, being together again and living their respective dreams, being this happy they feel they might burst.

And it only gets better when one morning, while they’re laying naked in Oikawa’s bed, the latter says “I wish you would never leave my bed Iwa-chan” while snuggling closer to his boyfriend’s chest. 

“If we lived together it would be _our_ bed” the man in question whispers softly in Oikawa’s hair.

There is silence between them, and then Iwaizumi can hear some muffled sobs escaping his partner's lips, and that’s the only response he needs. 

The following week they’re looking for an apartment to live in together. 

The process is long and not always easy but they finally get it. A place they can call home, a place with all their pictures from when they were five years old up until now, a place where oikawa can listen to his favorite songs by Marina and sing along at the top of his lungs, a place where Iwaizumi can cook curry whenever he feels like it, a place where they can watch stupid documentaries while being pressed against each other on the couch, a place where they can have morning sex and then shower sex immediately after. _Their_ place.

It’s crazy to think about it, even now, with Oikawa’s lips moving along his jaw and his hands wandering on his back.

“Yeah, we should definitely move this to the bedroom” Iwaizumi says as he picks his boyfriend up and starts walking towards their bed.

It all happens at once. While they’re moving past the door Oikawa thrusts his hips against Iwaizumi’s crotch, causing a moan to escape the other man’s lips, and the two lose balance for a second. But a second is enough for Iwaizumi to reach the closest thing he can find in order not to fall, which happens to be a cabinet next to the doorframe, and use it to balance himself again. 

They don’t fall, but the cabinet hits the bucket with the remaining paint and overturns it, resulting in a mess of fresh paint hitting the floor and the carpet Oikawa’s mum had given them as a present.

The moment is gone as the two of them realize what just happened.

“Shit! Oikawa I’m sorry” Iwaizumi says as he lets go of his boyfriend and hurries to see the extent of the damage.

“Iwa-chan is so excited to have sex with me that he can’t even walk straight anymore”

“This is not funny Trashykawa. Look at the mess we’ve made.” The man groans while going to take something in order to clean the carpet.

“It’s no big deal Iwa-chan, we can always buy a new one if it doesn’t come out clean, I won’t tell my mum” Oikawa laughs as he goes and embraces his boyfriend from behind.

Iwaizumi leans into the contact and stops for a moment, letting his head fall on top of Oikawa’s, his body still tense.

“Why are you so worked up over this Iwa-can? I told you, it’s no big deal” Oikawa murmurs into his shoulder, before he starts placing soft kisses on the warm skin there.

“It’s just… I don't know… We worked so long in order to keep everything clean and now we just relax for a second and this is the result.” Iwaizumi says, pointing at the huge stain on their floor and carpet.

“Well, that only means we’ll have to work a little bit more before going to bed. What is it that they say? The longer the wait the greater the pleasure, right?” Oikawa says, turning his boyfriend around so that they are facing each other.

“Yeah I guess you’re right, sorry” 

“Stop apologizing or you’re sleeping on the couch Iwa-chan”

At that, they both laugh and Iwaizumi’s hands find their place on his boyfriend’s cheeks as they both lean in for a kiss.

“I love you so much” Oikawa whispers before closing the distance between their lips.

  
  
  
  


The fall always happens fast, much faster than the rise anyway. Hajime knows that, has known for the longest time actually.

So it’s no big surprise that he moves before anyone else does, faster than anyone else, as he feels his heart in his throat, and rushes at Oikawa’s side just a few seconds after his knee hits the gym floor. 

It was already clear from the first step of his jump that something was wrong: the posture itself was not the usual one and the balance was off. And it only became more evident as Oikawa hit the ball in mid-air, in the way his whole torso was leaned a bit too much forward after the impact, in a way that screamed wrong wrong _wrong_ to Hajime’s experienced eyes.

One second and the man he loves is on the ground, clutching his already injured knee with an expression of pure and raw pain on his beautiful beautiful face. One second is all it takes for years of training and effort to lose all their meaning. One stupid second and a lifetime of sacrifices and dedication vanishes before Hajime, who can only watch helplessly as the paramedics take the love of his life, put him on a stretcher and take him to the hospital.

It's like being in a trance or some sort of weird dream - a nightmare, Hajime corrects himself - because he finds himself in a hospital’s waiting room and he has no idea how he got there. Did he go with the ambulance? Did he drive here himself? Did someone drive him? 

He sets for the last option as he realizes there are other people sitting next to him: Hanamaki and Matsukawa on his right, Oikawa’s sister on his left and Oikawa’s parents in front of him, standing, as they talk with a doctor.

It all hits him at once, the situation they’re in, the seriousness of it all, but especially the fact that he is _not_ next to his fiancé when the other man is probably terrified, more than everyone else in this room put together. He abruptly turns his head towards his friends’ direction, his eyes desperately begging for the answer to the question he can’t bring himself to ask out loud.

_How’s Oikawa?_

It’s Makki - bless his soul - who meets his eyes first and immediately understands. “They’re giving him surgery right now. The fall tore both his cruciate ligaments and the whole knee articulation is compromised. And...” 

Makki hesitates, looking at Matsukawa for some sort of support. The other man nods, not meeting Iwaizumi’s eyes, and the first one continues.

“They’re trying to fix it as much as possible, but… considering it was already damaged in the past… it’s gonna be… difficult, to say at least” 

“... Difficult, but not impossible, yeah?” 

Iwaizumi doesn’t recognize his own voice - he wouldn’t even have realized it was him who spoke if it wasn’t for the three pairs of eyes looking at him in disbelief. No one answers his question, no one dares, as his two best friends and Oikawa’s sister exchange a look of apprehension.

It’s the latter who eventually sighs and turns Iwaizumi by his shoulders, facing him directly, warm brown eyes piercing his in a way that is too familiar for his liking.

“Listen, Hajime. We won’t know until the surgery is over, so there’s no need to think about the worst right now. We’ll talk about that if and when it’ll be necessary. Okay? Now I need you to relax and breathe.”

“I- Okay, alright.” He exhaled at last.

The smile that Oikawa’s sister offered him was comforting, but he could see in her eyes that she was trying to convince herself too, maybe more than anyone else.

They stayed quiet for the rest of the time, Oikawa's parents exchanging a few words of encouragement and reassurance with their daughter, Makki patting his back from time to time in an attempt to comfort him.

Iwaizumi was lost in his thoughts, eyes fixated on one particular spot on the floor, shoulders hunched forward and forearms resting on his knees. His whole body was vibrating with frustration and anticipation for what was going to be either the best or worst news of his life. 

And while he was waiting the only thing he could think about was how _unfair_ it all was. He thought about all the years Oikawa and him had spent apart, too far away for both of their liking, but necessary. He thought about Oikawa’s smile (and tears) when he’d returned to Japan and saw Hajime for the first time in person after too many video calls to be counted. He thought about the mornings they’d spent snuggled in their bed, warm bodies sore and pressed against each other. He thought about how excited and happy Oikawa had been when he was selected to play in the national team and how they had celebrated all night long. 

He thought about how everything was going to change and never be the same.

The ache in his chest was constricting him, making it hard to breathe. What was he gonna do? How did they even end up here? Oikawa had worked so much and had learned to take proper care of himself since high school. He had never overworked himself again and was always extremely careful with his injured knee.

And now, for a stupid stupid mistake he had made when he was sixteen, his whole future could be compromised. 

_I should’ve stopped him that time. I should’ve realized before what he was doing to himself. I should’ve…_

His train of thoughts was interrupted by a doctor entering the waiting room, and all the people inside sprung to their feet.

“How is he?” 

“How's my son?”

“How did the surgery go?”

The doctor didn’t seem surprised by the many questions, he just exhaled and offered them a kind smile, probably reading the worry painted on all their faces.

“The surgery went good. We did everything we could and we were able to successfully fix the articulation and one of the two ligaments.”

The air in the room was still, no one dared to breathe.

“However, the other ligament was already damaged from a previous injury and there was nothing we could’ve done to completely restore it. I’m sorry.”

Hajime felt his throat closing up, bile rising in his stomach. This couldn’t be real.

“So what now?” Asked Oikawa’s father while holding his wife's hands in his.

“He is going to need some physical therapy for a few weeks but he’ll be able to walk again normally and without any support. His body is strong so he’ll recover quickly.”

There was a sense of dread in the room, like everyone knew what to ask next, but no one could bring themself to do so. It was Matsukawa who talked in the end.

“What about volleyball? He’s a professional athlete, is… is he going to be able to play again?”

The doctor frowned.

Hajime felt like throwing up.

“Even if the articulation is fixed now, with one of the two main ligaments this much damaged, it’s not as stable and strong as before. Considering these conditions and the sport he plays, it’s inevitable that it’ll be extremely easy for him in the future to get injured again. One wrong movement, too much pressure or a little bit too much of strain and his knee will need surgery again.”

“So… that means… what does it mean? He won’t be able to play again? Is that what you're saying?”

Hajime’s voice came out as a strain, the words pushing their way out of his mouths, battling the fear that was creeping up on his body.

Before answering the doctor gave him a warm, knowing, smile.

“I’m afraid he won’t. There’s no way his knee can undergo the same intense training regimen as before. It’s likely that he’ll gain complete mobility again, but the articulation is going to be weaker and, as you may already know, that’s something a professional player cannot afford. But he’ll be able to do everything else as usual, eventually.”

That was it. Hajime felt stupid for even hoping evrything was going to be okay again. He had seen the fall, the movement, the injured knee, Oikawa’s expression. Every piece of information he needed was exactly in front of him, clear as the day, he had just been too blind to realize it and put the pieces together, too scared to see the reality of things. 

Oikawa wasn’t going to play volleyball anymore.

_He won’t be able to play again._

_I have to tell him._

_I have to see him._

“Can we see him? Not to be rude, but he’d rather receive this information from us then from a doctor.”

“That’s fine. He’s still asleep now, but we'll let you know when he wakes up Iwaizumi-san.”

“Alright, thank you.”

After the doctor left the room, Oikawa’s mom let out a sob and her husband patted her back and helped her sit down. The news had hit them all bad enough, after all, the people in that room were the closest ones to Oikawa, the ones who’d shared the most with him, the ones that knew him the best. 

Oikawa’s sister was on the phone with her husband, probably updating him on the situation.Oikawa’s father was now calling the rest of the family, giving them the bad news, as his wife kept crying by herself.

Hajime felt the need to comfort her, but his legs weren’t moving, and the only thing he could do was standing in the middle of the waiting room, eyes glassy, as he watched the woman that was basically a second mother to him crying for her son, passing her hands through her way too familiar wavy dark brown hair.

The urge to throw up was stronger than ever. Hajime had to get out of there.

He stormed out of the room towards the smoking area and sat on a bench, the palms of his hands pressing on his eyes, hoping that the pain would eliminate the heaviness of his head and the clutching feeling in his stomach. Needless to say it was all useless.

A few moments later Matsukawa was sitting next to him, a cigarette in his mouth. 

“I didn’t know you smoked.”

“I don’t.” His friend said, breathing a little cloud of smoke out of his mouth.

Iwaizumi stared at him, waiting for a more articulated answer, and Matsukawa stared back at him, unfazed, as he kept smoking. At last, he reached for his pack of cigarettes, offering it to Iwaizumi.

“You want one?” 

“I don’t smoke”

“Neither do I”

Iwaizumi took a cigarette and the lighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to end this chapter with a cliffhanger but then I decided not to (since I hate cliffhangers myself).
> 
> Next chapter is going to focus a lot more on Oikawa and there’ll be a quite sad and depressed part, so be aware of that.
> 
> Keep in mind that english is not my first language so if I made some mistakes please let me know in comments.
> 
> See you next chapter!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m finally here with the second chapter, sorry to keep you waiting but it took me so long to write this in a way that actually pleased me.
> 
> I really hope you enjoy this

It isn’t long before Hanamaki comes calling for them and they return to the waiting room, where the doctor is back.

“He’s awake, you can see him now. He’ll be a little bit confused because of the anesthetic but he’s fine.”

They all thank the doctor and follow one of the nurses to Oikawa’s room, stopping briefly before entering. The tension is palpable in the air around all of them, the weight of the knowledge heavy on their shoulders.

_Here we go_

Hajime takes a deep breath and pushes the door open.

  
  
  


The room has white walls that reflect the natural light coming in from the windows through the pastel blue curtains. The roof and the floor are also white, just like the sheets of the bed Oikawa is in. The whole room smells like hospital, exactly like the waiting room, exactly like the corridors and the hall. It makes Hajime feel nauseous. 

The brightest thing in the room, however, is Oikawa’s smile - not his real and honest one, Hajime notices. 

“Hey! You’re all here.”

The worry in his voice is evident. Oikawa is not stupid. There had to be a reason if all of his loved ones were in his room all at once. 

_He already knows this_

The realization hits Hajime like a punch in his stomach, sucking all the air out of his lungs. He can’t move, can’t speak, he is only able to keep his eyes fixated on Oikawa, as the latter receives hugs from his family and friends, laughing at whatever poor joke Hanamaki made.

“Have you seen a ghost Iwa-chan? I know I don’t look my best but-“

“You look beautiful as always Oikawa.”

The expression on Oikawa’s face shifts for a second, changing into something Hajime can’t really grasp, before returning to his tired smile. 

“You’re such a liar Iwa-chan. Now come give me a kiss.”

The press of their lips is soft, the feeling familiar, but there's some type of strain behind it, a bitter aftertaste. Hajime breaks the kiss and places his hand on Oikawa’s cheek, stroking his cheekbone with his thumb, a motion he’s done countless times.

“How are you feeling?”

“I feel an uncomfortable tension in my knee and my head spins a little bit, but I think that’s for the painkillers they gave me.”

The silence that follows is heavy, like everyone is bracing themselves for what is about to come. It’s Oikawa that breaks it, as he puts his own hand on top of Hajime’s.

“So… what’s going on? Why do you all have such a face? Did something go wrong with the surgery? I- I tried asking the doctor, but he was pretty evasive and wouldn’t give me a proper answer. Is it… that bad?”

Hajime’s throat is closing up, he can’t talk, but he has to. He looks his boyfriend straight in the eyes and takes a breath.

There’s no more running from it.

“They fixed the articulation the best they could, but, since you already got injured in the past, the ligaments are weaker now.”

Oikawa’s expression doesn’t quiver, but the pressure around Hajime’s hands grows stronger, like the other man is holding onto his lifeline, too scared to go further with the conversation but eager to know the truth at the same time.

“So… what- what does this mean? What about volleyball?”

Hajime can’t answer. He thought he was ready, he thought he could. But right now, with his boyfriend in front of him looking at him with his big and expressive eyes, demanding and pleading at the same time, he can’t bring himself to speak.

_Come on, you have to do it_

“Hajime?”

_Say it!_

His throat is too tight and he can feel his eyes watering.

_Don’t cry. Don’t you dare cry right now._

“Hajime-kun?”

“Iwaizumi?”

_What are you so scared of Hajime?_

He looks Oikawa in the eyes.

“You won’t be able to play again Tooru. Your knee won’t be able to sustain you if you do. I’m sorry.”

It’s out now. He said it. He forces himself to keep looking Oikawa in the eyes, he deserves that much at least.

And he sees the other man crumble under his gaze.

At first he just looks around, meeting the eyes of every other person in the room, searching for something- anything that could indicate that this was all a big joke, or a dream maybe.

And then his eyes start to water, small tears gather behind his long lashes and start to flow down as he blinks. He shakes his head, like he’s refusing the truth, and his breath comes short.

It’s painful seeing Oikawa like this, small and trembling and crying. He’s not much different from when he was little, his nose and cheeks get red in the same exact way. And for a second Hajime feels like he’s a kid too, back to the days when he would take Oikawa’s hand in an attempt to comfort him.

He’s always been like that, never good with words, never able to provide verbal comfort. So he’d learned how to express himself through his actions: holding hands, gentle strokes of his thumbs, a hand on the back, a hug. 

And so, even at this moment, the only thing Hajime can do is hug his boyfriend, the love of his life, as he breaks down.

He holds him tight, hoping he can keep all the pieces together. 

  
  
  
  


That day in Oikawa’s crying there was the sound of a heart breaking. 

Hearts don’t snap like brittle caramel or burst like an overfilled balloon. A heart breaks in the heaving waves of a new disturbing reality that has arrived uninvited. For Oikawa it was the one in which he couldn’t play volleyball anymore, in which his lifelong passion and dream was no longer at his reach. 

It was like entering a new life he couldn’t bear, and so he broke.

What he did was more than crying. It was the kind of desolate sobbing that comes from a person drained of all hope. Oikawa sobbed into Hajime’s shoulder as his tears dripped down his face, mingling with his hair. That day, his gasping echoed around the hospital room. The pain that flowed from him was as palpable as the cold wind in winter that seeps through each individual. 

After that, Oikawa wasn’t the same again, there was just a part of him that died in that moment, Hajime sensed it. So, as he watched his boyfriend shake with tears flowing unchecked, there was a part of him breaking too. If Oikawa wasn't the same, then neither would he. That’s what happens when you love someone, right? Their happiness is part of your own.

He held Oikawa as he cried until no more tears came, but still the emptiness and sorrow remained.

  
  
  


And then, Oikawa didn’t cry anymore.

  
  


He didn’t cry when they got out of the hospital, as Hajime pushed the wheelchair to the parking lot and helped Oikawa get into the car.

He didn’t cry when they got home and Hajime had to carry him up the stairs, or when he laid him down on the bed.

He didn’t cry when he called his coach and the rest of the team to let them know he wasn’t going to be able to play anymore.

He didn’t cry the first time he went to the physiotherapist, or the second, or the third.

He didn’t cry when he managed to walk without any support for the first time after the surgery. (His mother did, but Oikawa didn’t even look at her)

He didn’t cry when he watched his team play on television and win the match even without him.

  
  
  


He didn’t cry, but he didn’t smile anymore either.

  
  
  


He didn’t smile when Takeru visited him in the hospital and told him about his new classmates and his improvements in volleyball.

He didn't smile when his old friends from Aoba Johsai called him in an attempt to cheer him up.

He didn’t smile when they went back home and Hajime cooked his favorite dinner for him.

He didn’t smile when he was finally able to move as he wanted without the crutches, or when his knee stopped hurting every time he tried to move it.

He didn’t smile when Hajime would kiss him goodnight and hug him tight in the shadows of their bedroom. 

  
  
  


They didn’t make love anymore.

  
  
  


Hajime was expecting him to break down at one point, but the moment never came. Instead, Oikawa slowly started talking less, eating less and he stopped moving out of bed. He would lay under the sheets facing the large window in their room for most of the day, sad eyes staring into the nothingness of the endless sky, eating only when Hajime would bring him food in bed.

He sometimes had some anger outburst, but they lasted only a few seconds, and then he would go back to his apathetic self. It was usually over stupid and insignificant things, like his food being too hot, or a ray of sunshine hitting him directly in the eyes, or the neighbour making too much noise.

At one point, Oikawa even stopped talking to Hajime. He would only answer when he was directly asked something, but for the rest of the time he would stay silent, waiting for the day to pass by.

Hajime would be lying if he said all of this didn’t terribly hurt him. Seeing Oikawa turn into this lifeless puppet, his energy and the life in his eyes slowly disappearing - it was like Oikawa was slipping through his fingers and he couldn’t do anything to stop it.

Also his family and friends were starting to seriously worry for him, but it was like Oikawa had built a wall all around himself, as if he was in a reality where the other people couldn't enter, where only he and his pain existed.

  
  


It was a slow process, but Hajime could feel the unstoppable and endless fall. He could see how things were only getting worse. And for the first time in his life, he felt like the fall wasn’t that much fast after all.

  
  
  


Thankfully, he wasn’t alone. There was Oikawa’s mum always coming over to keep him company and cook for them, Oikawa’s sister who would drop by with Takeru whenever they had time, his parents that bought him takeout and groceries whenever he didn’t have time, and his friends. Hanamaki and Matsukawa had just moved in together, not particularly close to them, but still close enough to be there whenever Hajime felt like he couldn’t bear everything alone. They were also kind enough to always check up on him and Oikawa almost daily.

\- “Mattsun, hi.”

“Hey man! How are you doing? How’s Oikawa?” -

\- “He- He’s… not that good.” He lets out an exhale. 

“I mean, he’s knee is doing well and he’s recovering fast but…”

“He’s still closing up?” -

\- “Yeah”

“Takahiro tried to talk with him yesterday but he wouldn't pick up his phone, so I figured. Have you heard from his family?” -

\- “I talked with his sister, she said he just answers their texts every now and then, just not to worry them too much.”

“He’s not particularly good at that. Everyone is worried sick for him.” -

\- “Yeah…”

The silence that anticipated Matsukawa’s answer was tense.

“How are you Iwaizumi? For real. Don’t sugarcoat it.” -

\- “... I don’t know. It’s not me I’m worried about.”

“You’re still the selfless bastard you were in high school I see.” -

\- “I’m serious. He started eating even less and he won’t talk to me. He spends most of the day in the bed, watching the recordings of his past volleyball games and barely comes out of the room. I had to push him in the bathroom the other day and strip him naked in order to get him to take a shower.”

“Has he not cried yet?” -

\- “No, at least not in front of me or anyone. I feel like he could blow up at any moment and there’s nothing I can do about that. It’s so frustrating”

“Have you considered taking him to a therapist?” -

\- “I did. I also talked to him about it, but he just told me to leave the room and never bring it up again” 

The memory was still fresh in Hajime’s mind. It had been a week or so ago, after Oikawa had spent an entire day curled up in their bed, looking out of the window, lost in his thoughts. He hadn’t even noticed Hajime entering the room and sitting on the bed. 

He had listened to him, eyes wide open with an expression that Hajime couldn't decipher (he _hated_ not being able to read him). And then his anger took control of him, as he pushed Hajime off of the bed and screamed at him to leave him alone.

_“It’s not my brain that needs healing! It’s my knee! My goddamn knee, okay? Or have you forgotten Hajime? Have you forgotten that my knee is permanently injured? Did you by any chance miss that part, or are you just dumb?”_

The venom in Oikawa’s voice had been so strong that Hajime could only leave, closing the door behind him and sliding down it. He had remained like that, back pressed to the bedroom door, knees drawn to his chest and his arms draped around them. He had wanted to cry.

He pushed back the sting in the back of his eyes.

\- “I’m scared Mattsun. Sometimes I look at him and I fear he’s really gone. I watch him lying in our bed that we don’t share most of the nights, and I just want to be close to him. I want to reach to him so much that my fingertips tingle, but I know I can’t. I wish we could be together like before, because I’m lost without him, and I don’t know what I’m gonna do if we can’t fix this.”

“I know Iwa, but you’ll figure it out eventually. The two of you always had, even in the past. If the two of you can’t manage to solve this, then I'll never believe in love anymore. I’ll even break up with Hiro.” -

Iwaizumi let out a soft chuckle.

\- “I wouldn’t bet your relationship on mine Mattsun. Not now at least. And I’m sure Makki wouldn’t let you anyway.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” -

The silence was comfortable this time. Hajime had missed this sense of tranquillity so much in the last weeks. He was so grateful for his friends.

“You know you can always count on us, right? We’ll gladly help you, be it kicking Oikawa’s ass for being a bitch to you or forcing him to do his skincare routine. You don’t have to do this alone Iwaizumi.” -

\- “I know. Thank you Mattsun, I mean it”

“Yeah yeah, of course. I love you too. Try to sleep a bit, I can sense your eye bags from here.” -

\- “I’ll try. Say hi to Hanamaki from me.”

“Sure thing. Take care” -

\- “You too. Bye”

It was so easy getting lost in his own despair, but knowing he wasn’t alone despite everything really did help. Yet, he almost felt guilty sometimes, for being able to smile and feel anything other than sadness. He felt like it wasn’t fair to Oikawa.

But life wasn’t fair most of the time anyway.

  
  
  


Days started to look all the same and fade one into another. Hajime would wake up in the morning, cook breakfast and eat his portion alone, then leave Oikawa’s portion on the bedside table. Then he’d take a shower, get dressed and leave for work, not after kissing Oikawa on the head, while the other kept sleeping. While at work Hajime would forget for a bit about everything going on at home, and he was able to joke with his colleagues and enjoy what he was doing. 

Then he would go back home, where he’d find Oikawa laying awake in bed, the breakfast almost untouched where he had left it in the morning. He would greet him, and he wouldn’t get any response.

  
  


It was hard, and painful. Hajime had had enough.

“You can’t keep staying in bed, you have to do the exercises the doctor gave you.”

Silence.

“Oikawa, don’t ignore me on this. It's for your own health.”

Silence.

A scoff.

“Please Oikawa. At least look at me. It’s like I’m talking to a wall”

Silence again.

Hajime was mad. He moved in front of Oikawa and took him by the shoulders, shaking him a bit.

“Snap out of this! Stop ignoring me. Please”

Oikawa looked at him, not saying a word.

“I can’t keep seeing you like this. I know how hard this is for you. I know how important volleyball was for you - still is. You know I’ve been there from the beginning, so you don’t have to pretend with me.”

Oikawa looked away.

Hajime wanted to shout. So he did.

“Goddammit Oikawa! Look. at. me. I want to help you, but you’re not giving me any chance!! I know how you must be feeling, maybe I’m the one who knows this the best. That’s why I need you to fucking talk to me! Don’t cut me out Oikawa. Look, this isn’t the end. There are other things that can give your life meaning other than volleyball.”

Silence.

Then the other man finally - finally - spoke.

“Like what?...You?”

Suddenly Hajime wished Oikawa had just stayed silent. He felt like daggers were being thrown at him from the pain that was spreading in his chest. He let go of the other man’s shoulders and stood up, eyes never leaving Oikawa’s face. 

_He doesn't really mean it. He’s just angry. He can’t be serious._

The hurt on his face must have been evident, because Oikawa risked a glance at him and immediately averted his eyes, chewing at his bottom lip.

Silence fell once again upon them, but this time it felt even more suffocating than ever. It was like walking on broken glass, so he didn’t dare move.

“Why?”

Oikawa’s voice was barely audible, and for a second Hajime thought he had imagined the question.

“Why what?”

“Why are you still with me? I- I just keep hurting you.”

He _definitely_ had imagined it this time. Oikawa wasn’t possibly asking something like that, right?

“Nevermind. That’s just stupid.”

Hajime still couldn’t speak as Oikawa turned around in the bed, facing away from him.

_Nothing has changed. I still can’t say the right thing when it’s the time._

He sighed. After all, he’d alway been better with actions.

“Okay, that’s it Tooru.”

The air stilled between them. Oikawa’s back was still turned to him, but Iwaizumi could see him tensing.

“We’re going out. Get out of the bed, or I’ll drag you out myself.

  
  
  


The car ride was silent. Hajime drove as Oikawa watched outside of the window, not meeting the other man’s eyes. The road looked familiar, but he couldn’t pinpoint exactly where they were headed. Once the car took a particular turn it finally clicked.

“Iwa-chan where are we going?”

“I guess you already know”

“Stop the car. I don’t wanna.” 

The panic in Oikawa’s voice was slowly increasing, but Iwaizumi ignored it.

“I’m serious Hajime. Stop the car.”

“No. You have to face it eventually.”

Oikawa was begging him at this point.

“Please. I can’t. Don’t make me do it.”

Hajime stopped at a parking lot and turned to face Oikawa. The determination in his eyes was painted with a shade of concern.

“I won’t take you there if you seriously think you can't do this. But you can’t keep closing up on yourself. I’m trying to help you. Please, let me do that.”

The honesty in his voice struck Oikawa, who lowered his eyes but slowly nodded. Hajime let out the breath he was holding and started the car again.

  
  


Once they arrived at the Tokyo Metropolitan Gymnasium, Hajime helped Oikawa out of the car and took his trembling hand in his own. This was a first step.

They entered the stadium and took a seat, not too close to the volleyball court but not too far either. There was a match going on, the two teams were both really good and it was exciting seeing the ball exchanges as they grew more and more fast and complex. Oikawa still wouldn’t move his eyes from his hands, but he wasn’t leaving either.

Hajime focused on the match in front of him, but still checked on his boyfriend from time to time, just to make sure he wasn’t too overwhelmed.

Slowly, he could see Oikawa starting to follow the sound of the ball, if the way his eyebrows twitched was of any indication. Then, when Hajime took another quick glance at the man sitting next to him, he found him watching the match too, eyes fixated on the court, on the players, on the movements they made.

There was something in Oikawa’s eyes. Longing, curiosity, criticism, jealousy - Hajime couldn’t tell. But he was watching. Hajime stopped looking at the match and stared at Oikawa for the rest of the time, in order to catch every single change in his expression.

When a distant cheer marked the end of the match, Oikawa finally turned to face him. This time, when their eyes met, it felt like it was the first time again. And Hajime was able to read Oikawa’s expression for the first time since that day at the hospital.

Gratitude, that’s what was in his boyfriend's eyes.

And then, it was like something broke in Oikawa. When he cried again, there was a rawness to it, like the pain was still an open wound. The sobs were stifled at first as he attempted to hide them, but he was then overcome by the wave of his emotions and broke down entirely, all his defenses washed away in those salty tears. When he turned his face to Iwaizumi, he was a picture of grief, loss, devastation. It was the face of one who had suffered before and didn’t know if he could do it again. 

And Hajime did the only thing he’s always done. He hugged his boyfriend. 

But this time, he cried too.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**_Two years later_ **

The hot sidewalk was crowded with people as Oikawa and Iwaizumi made their way toward the beach. The former was blabbering about something that had happened during his call with his nephew, while the former held his hand and watched the sky as it turned pink and orange.

It was a warm afternoon and the two of them were walking through the streets of the argentinian city, the rays of sunshine making their golden matching rings shine.

They were happy.

“Oh Iwa-chan, your mum called. She says she wants us to go to her for a weekend once we get back to Japan. She’s mad because you never answer her calls.”

“I’ll call her tomorrow. And since when do you call my mum?”

“Since you started calling mine”

They both laughed and Oikawa held Iwaizumi’s hand a bit tighter. 

“Your therapist also wrote me an email a few days ago. She wanted to congratulate us for the wedding and she told me you don’t have to buy her any souvenirs.”

“Well, it’s too late for that. She’s gonna get one anyways.”

“That’s what I told her.”

“You know me too well baby.”

When they arrived at the beach the sun was setting, leaving a trace of its presence on the blue waves of the ocean. They sat down, shoulders pressed together, as they watched their last sunset in Argentina before going back to Japan.

“I wish we could stay here another week”

“I know. But you have to go back to work, and I do too.”

“Boring Iwa-chan, why did I even marry you?”

Hajime turned to him and briefly pressed their lips together. The kiss was warm, familiar, perfect.

“Because you love me.”

“I do.”

They stared into each other’s eyes, each lost in their own thoughts, and Hajime couldn’t help but admire the man that was in front of him. His hair was waves of pure earth, softly reflecting the light of the sun, each strand moving freely in the ocean born breeze. His eyes of warm honey emitted a glossy serenity, a sense of happiness that Hajime was never tired of seeing. 

Oikawa’s aura seeped into the summer air between them, strong and steady and _alive_. In that moment his smile was in every god given feature, and Hajime knew he was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So how was it? Did you like it? I really hope you did
> 
> It was hard making Oikawa suffer, but necessary for the plot. So I hope you’ll accept the epilogue as my formal apology lol
> 
> I’m probably going to post a third chapter pretty soon (I have it already written down so it’s not gonna take me this much time) in which you’ll see Oikawa’s pov on the situation. It’s not gonna add anything to the plot., I just really want to analyze how this whole story affected him.
> 
> As always, thanks for reading


	3. EPILOGUE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter is here! 
> 
> This is gonna be a letter written by Oikawa to his parents, where he explains how he felt during the whole thing. It’s not particularly long but I wanted to write it so bad and I wanted to focus on Oikawa’s pov a bit, soooo here it is :)
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> (For context: this letter is written a few weeks after the day at the stadium)

_ Dear mum and dad, _

_ I’m sorry for how things have been in the last months. I know I’ve been hard to deal with - even more than usual - so I wanted to thank you for being patient with me. _

_ I’m not completely fine yet. I would be lying if I told you I was, but I promise I’m really working on it now. I even started going to therapy. I mean, I kinda had to, I owed it to Hajime, but I found out it’s actually helping me a lot to come to terms with my current situation. (Actually, it was my therapist who told me to write you this letter, since it’s easier to write about this matter for me, but one day I promise we’ll be able to talk about it casually.) _

_ Losing such a big part of my life so suddenly was a really hard blow for me. I thought I didn’t have a place in this world anymore, and I was too scared to look for it. I was afraid I couldn’t accept a reality in which I wasn’t playing volleyball. I thought that being a setter was all I was, all I could ever be. _

_ My mind really went to some dark places during these last months, and I’m sorry I worried you and the rest of the family too. But you know what I realized? All along, I was more than just a setter. I’ve always been also a son, a friend, a brother, an uncle and a lover. I was just too focused on myself to acknowledge this. _

_ A man learns what really matters only when the glitter fades, because from the rubble what remains can only be what’s true. I lost a lot, but I gained even more. Now I can see that. If there is any good in this situation is that it led me back to the people that really matter to me. _

_ Another thing I’ve come to terms with, is that this is the real world. Shit happens here, more often than we would like to admit, and there is no magic or miracles like in the fairytales you would read me as a kid. Hajime’s love was not the magic cure that solved all of my problems, I wished it was that easy.  _

_ Instead, Hajime’s love was a constant for me, a force that was invisible, but there. It made me not want to give up. Once I realized this, it transformed my emotions into a healthy perspective and the kind of good thoughts that helped me build my better self.  _

_ I wouldn’t have made it without his help, yours too, but he really really outdid himself. I would sit in the pit that had become my world, the only decorations my own nail marks on the walls I couldn’t scale, because I was too afraid. Though I knew there was light at the top, it felt like a million miles away and, were it not for Hajime being down there with me - for me - I wouldn’t have even tried. _

_ There were days my brain felt electrocuted, so violently defocused, and the emotional pain was so all encompassing that I simply existed as a matter of willpower. I thought about giving up, but something inside me never allowed me to. I didn’t know what it was, but now I do. _

_ They say you come out of these things stronger, and I guess that's true, but you come out wiser too. I realized I still have my loving heart, my idealism and my courage. I’m still going to take forward leaps whether I can see the ground in front of me or not, just like I did when I left for Argentina. _

_ I also started crying again. I know I’ve always been a bit of a crybaby (as Hajime would always call me when we were kids), but now I can only credit my willingness to cry and feel pain to the need to be true to my nature and to learn how fragile I am. _

_ It is my tears that keep my soul alive whenever I feel pain. They cannot extinguish what has been, yet only carry me forward until a time comes when the searing pain is distant enough to forget more than remember, and maybe one day erase itself from my brain.  _

_ So perhaps it may be an oddity to thank my tears and be proud to cry. Yet, if that’s what saves me from becoming a monster, a person indifferent to suffering, so indifferent that is willing to be alone and push anyone away - even the ones that matter the most to him - then crying is the smartest thing I can do. _

_ I still wish I could play volleyball again, I don’t think I’ll ever stop dreaming about that. But now I see clearly that not being able to play isn’t the end of the world. It hurts, but I found other things that give meaning to my life. _

_ I’m going to marry Hajime. I know gay marriage is not legalized in Japan yet so I’m thinking about going to Argentina to get married there. There’s nothing I want to do more. Does this sound crazy to you? Because it does to me. But the more I think about it the more convinced I get. _

_ I’m also going to become a volleyball coach. I don’t know if I’ll be good at it, but I wanna try at least. My therapist says that making projects for my future helps me focus on moving forward instead of looking back at what was or what could have been. _

_ I cannot change what happened to me, I still have regrets of course, but the only thing I can do is work with what I have now.  _

_ I’ll come home one day and I’ll apologise to you two properly, for pushing you away and worrying you too much. I hope this letter will do until then. _

_ I love you _

_ Your son,  _

_ Tooru _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is officially the end :’) 
> 
> I’m really really happy for the feedback I’m getting, and I hope you all liked reading this as much as I liked writing it. Let me know what you think about that in the comments if you’d like 
> 
> (If you got the reference to The Greatest Showman, no you didn’t)
> 
> Love y’all so much


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